Okay, today's post is a bit different. I'm not talking so much about worldbuilding (I'm sure it will come up), instead, I want to explain how Ungovernables: Poisoning The Well came to be.
While Anhelos Saga will always be my firstborn baby, Poisoning The Well holds a special place in my heart. It is more than a simple story for me. It is a turning point. This is the first story that I could be completely open.
Time for some backstory, strap in:
I grew up in a loving home in a little village, but there were things my parents tried to keep away from us kids (no shame to them, they did what they thought, and were themselves taught, was right). My mother is a devout Catholic and my father was raised in the United Church. They decided to raise my siblings and I in the Catholic Church. I do not know the conversations they had regarding that decision, but my father did not want us to be baptised until we could understand and consent to it.
As a kid my parents placed emphasis on good grades and hard work, along with faith in God (you'll notice an interesting dichotomy in my books between my protagonists and religions, but that is a whole other post). I placed immense pressure on myself to please my family and teachers as a child (recovering people-pleasers please stand up) and this often meant I forced myself through situations I didn't feel comfortable in. Teachers and other adults in my life praised me but come fourth grade I started falling behind in math. Every other subject, my grades remained high, but I could not figure out math (this becomes relevent later). Even still, I tried hard to please my family and do well, but the niggling self-doubt wormed into my brain and I never fully shook it. Also during this period I agreed to be baptised (my sister was an adult and got baptised, which became the catalyst for me and my brothers).
I met my best friend (and future partner) in the summer before fourth grade. At the time neither one of us knew what the future held, but we clicked on a level I had never clicked with someone. We spent everyday together creating magical worlds, characters, and disappeared into our shared stories. He helped me through the struggles and difficulty of childhood. Emotionally we remained inspereable, despite phsyically being seperated when we got older.
Fast forward to seventh grade. The Catholic Church has a sacrement called Confirmation that children go through around that grade. The short explanation: it is the time a child confirms that they will follow the teachings of the Church. At the time, I was excited to go through this. I believed in God, but I can't say I fully understood what I was agreeing too. It made my mom and sister happy and excited, and that was all that mattered to me. I desperately wanted to fit in and make people happy.
Throughout the years, my best friend stood at my side. He gave me a safe place to talk about life and often (unknowingly and in a good way) challenged things the adults in my life were saying. He showed me a world outside the bubble my parents kept me in (again, no shame to my parents, they are lovely people), and through him I learned about the LGBQTIA+ community. My parents (who have learned and grown since then) were not allies and spoke negatively about the community, but my best friend was a part of it. It took me some time before I realized, I was too.
While the realization emotionally alienated me from my family, outwardly, I tried to fit in. I lied to myself and forced myself to not feel that way. By tenth grade I became depressed, but did not recieve a diagnosis. My family assumed it was teenage hormones and while they checked in with me, I would lie and say everything was fine. In the summer before eleventh grade, my best friend moved away and I fell deeper into depression. This led to my lowest point shortly after graduation. I isolated myself, believing nobody in my family still cared, and the one friend who understood, my best friend, lived in another city over two hours away.
The thing about the depression diagnosis I recieved as a young adult was that it never felt right. It felt more likea symptom of a bigger problem, but the doctor I had at the time looked at me and saw a young woman and unfortuantely chose not to dig deeper (and numb as I was, I didn't care enough to push). That diagnosis, along with a few other situations, gave me a deep mistrust of the way the medical system handles mental health. As an adult (27) I got assessed for Autism and ADHD, which I in fact, do have (It's funny, looking back and noticing all the things that were so obviously Autism and ADHD, the math thing for one).
And thus, we get to Poisoning The Well. I started this novel at the same time as my assesment. It was also at this time I started accepting myself and my place within the LGBQTIA+ community. My best friend and I started dating, and I came out to my family. This novel is the first time I felt truly capable of being honest with myself and the world. I could present my characters how I wanted to, and could tackle issues I cared about. Neurodivergent and LGBQTIA+ represenation matters to me a great deal. I wanted to create a world where it was normal to be LGBQTIA+ and give members of my community characters that they can identify with.
Because of my late diagnosis, and learning more about mental health, I knew I wanted to include it in my story. I consider Poisoning The Well an allegory for the neurodivergent struggle. The two categories of Ungovernable and Benign mimic the different level of supports neurodivergent people need. In the story, Benign races are races who do not require humans for any sort of sustenance, but still have abilities and skills that seperate them from being entirely human. They can act and survive in Human society without too much trouble. Benigns are like neurodivergent people who do not require as many supports, but still need more than a neurotypical. They mask and pretend to be comfortable in society. Ungovernables, on the other hand, are races that require humans for sustenance and to survive. They are like the neurodivergents who require several supports and get shunned by society.
The central conflict of the series revolves around how Ungovernable and Humans have become dominant, leaving Benigns in the middle, not truly accepted by either side. The two main characters, Rylen and Jamie, are meant to show these two opposing sides. Rylen is staunchly pro-Ungovernable whereas Jamie thinks they should have more restrictions placed on them. Jamie has been fully brainwashed into believing the propaganda spread by the government he works for. Much of this first book is Jamie trying to reconcile the fact that Rylen accepts and tries to understand the other point of view, but Jamie cannot do the same.
The final aspect of this story is the music. Throughout my life, music has played a key role, and when things got really bad, I turned to music. Rylen and his band embody my love of music and how life-saving it can be. This comes through more in Rylen's story than Jamie's. Rylen's music is a big part of who he is. The reason he sings is because he wants to share the hope music gave him with the world. With his wife missing, music is a factor of why he doesn't slip into addiction again.
To wrap this up, this story is my turning point. It is where I can be honest in my work about what I believe. It is the medium with which I can tackle sensitive issues in a safe and (hopefully) entertaining way. If you read this far, thank you. I appreciate you coming on this journey with me. Poisoning The Well is available on Amazon, and it would mean the world if you would give my little paranormal mystery series a chance.
Keep fighting!
